Understanding Enneagram Eights in Relationships
Enneagram Eights are fighters, challengers, protectors, stand-up-for-the-underdogers. They make our world better through their honesty, passion, and fighting for justice.
What drives Enneagram 8s?
Eights are motivated by a desire to hide their vulnerability, show their strength, and control their own lives. They refuse to be controlled by anyone else.
Many Enneagram Eights share that as children they were forced to grow up quickly. No time for being a child who could rely on others to take care of them - they jumped right into needing to take care of themselves. Because of this, Eights are extremely independent and self-reliant.
Maintaining autonomy and control over their own lives is a necessity.
Eights as children also learned that it’s not okay to show weakness or be vulnerable. “I must be strong, I must not let anybody hurt me, I must not show any weakness.” Most Eights, on the outside, simply seem to not be scared of anyone or anything. I think it’s a combination of needing to show the image of being unafraid and just genuinely being unafraid in life.
In relationships, Eights are extremely loyal, honest, and protective. They prioritize protecting themselves and their people. Typically an Eights’ circle of people is quite small, and they direct a ton of passion into protecting and caring for those few people.
The worst thing that can happen to an Enneagram Eight is betrayal. Eights have a low tolerance for letting somebody who betrayed them back into their life. It probably won’t happen. Since Eights are so loyal, they expect loyalty in return; betrayal wounds deeply.
One thing I love about Eights is that there are no guessing games. You never have to wonder where you stand. You never have to guess if they are mad at you. Eights are straightforward and do not care to hide how they feel or what they think. Eights do not care to manipulate. (Why manipulate when you can steamroll?)
And that brings us to the dark side of Eights - their tendency to strongarm their way into getting what they want. Remember how Eights refuse to be controlled? They use their power and strength to avoid it - and unhealthy Eights have no filter and no limits. Of course, here come the challenges in relationships. It’s harder for Eights to slow down and hear another person’s point of view; it makes more sense to them to take action quickly.
Eights’ honesty in relationships can look like bluntness, and they don’t naturally consider other peoples’ emotions or points of view. An Eight will tell it like it is - probably without much tact - and this can hurt others feelings or make others feel unimportant. But here’s something important to understand about the Eights in your life: they respect when somebody is strong back to them. When you challenge an Eight back, they respect you more than if you simply back down (weak!)
Many Eights say that conflict feels like connection. They enjoy a good verbal spar, feeling like it deepens their connection with others. Don’t feel like an Eight disagreeing with you is personal - give it right back to them and see what happens.
When Enneagram Eights are healthy, they access their superpower of passionately and deeply defending and protecting the weak ones. They love fighting for the underdog. They love using their power to protect the people they care about. We who love an Enneagram Eight will experience some rare moments where they show us what’s underneath the steely exterior - a tender heart that cares deeply and wants to love their people well.
So how can you love the Enneagram Eight in your life? 💚
Tell them you appreciate how they have protected or defended you.
Get into a debate with them and challenge their views without backing down.
Give grace for their bluntness and remember it’s not personal.
Match their passion by laughing hard and playing hard with them.
Notice how they show you love through acts of service.
