Understanding Enneagram Sevens in Relationships

Enneagram Sevens bring joy, optimism, and possibility to our world. In relationships, they help us experience new things, party hard, and find the bright side.

What motivates an Enneagram 7 in relationships?

Sevens are motivated by a desire to be fully satisfied, to keep their options open, and to avoid being trapped. Their fear of being trapped or limited drives Sevens to constantly seek more, new, different experiences.

We all receive messages in childhood that we interpret the best we can as tiny humans. For little Sevens, one of those messages is this: “I must take care of myself - I cannot depend on others.” Most Sevens are independent, self-reliant, and create their own security. 

One way Sevens create security is by future-planning. They need to keep their options open. They must ensure that many possibilities remain. Getting trapped in a dead-end job, a dysfunctional relationship, or a boring place feels like the worst thing that could happen.

I have a Seven friend who does not like when other people do things for her without being asked. Once a casual friend came over and began doing her dishes. She felt suspicious: “Why are you doing something for me? Are you trying to manipulate me somehow?” Many Sevens would rather give than receive - that feels safer, and that avoids them owing anyone anything. Owing somebody? That’s another trap! 

This focus on creating their own security is a feature of the Head Triad. Types 5, 6, and 7 all are thinking types - they process the world first through their minds before feelings and gut instincts. While 5s create safety by gathering knowledge and 6s create safety by building alliances and threat-forecasting to avoid danger, 7s create safety by looking to the future and imagining all the possibilities that lie ahead.

This connection with imagination is a great feature of Sevens - they are out-of-the-box thinkers, able to find possibilities that nobody else saw. In work environments, 7s tend to be those big idea people who can cast exciting visions.

The superpower of Sevens is their amazing ability to find the positives in any situation. For many other numbers, the negatives are amplified in our brains. But Sevens can help us see the goodness and joy by reframing negatives into positives. 

If you have a 7 friend, they probably help you enjoy the good things in life. They willingly take risks, move towards adrenaline, and pull us with them into the infinite possibilities of this life. This is why 7s have become stereotyped as the happy, outgoing, party friends. This stereotype is sometimes true, but all sevens do not look the same! They can be introverted or extraverted - what matters is their internal motivation to avoid being trapped.

Avoiding being trapped can mean physically, emotionally, or relationally. Sevens want to avoid pain, and this can hinder their connections, especially when difficulties come up. If an unhealthy Seven can sense an uncomfortable conversation or a tough conflict coming, their instinct tells them to run away. It feels easier to disengage and ignore the problem than to engage with uncomfortable emotions like anger, sadness, shame, and disappointment.

Healthy Sevens learn to stay in the discomfort so they can fight for a relationship. The lie that Sevens intuit is “If you go into the pain, you’ll be trapped and never come out.”  When they learn that this is not true, they understand that the pain is only temporary. 

We can help our Sevens grow by reminding them that any hard conversation is temporary - they won’t get stuck. However, engaging in the tough parts of relationships is essential in order to go deep with others.

So how can you love the Enneagram Seven in your life? 💚

Express how much you appreciate the way they help their friends and family have fun.

Go along with some of their crazy ideas - they love to bring others along on their adventures!

Ask a Seven if you can do anything to help them (before just going ahead and doing it).

If you need to have a difficult conversation, let them know in advance what to expect, and even set a timer so they can be certain it will have an end.

Help them identify and process their emotions.

Be there for them in times of physical pain or big life tragedies.