Understanding Enneagram Nines in Relationships
Enneagram Nines are our non-judgmental, easygoing, supportive people. They gift us with a calm steadiness that is grounding and peaceful. Nines go with the flow, for better and for worse.
What’s at the core of an Enneagram 9’s motivations?
Nines desire peace and wholeness within themselves and in their external environment. They fear disconnection from their people.
Nines are stereotyped as “hating conflict,” but there is a better way to describe it: Nines want to stay connected to others. Their fear of conflict is really a fear of a relationship breaking apart.
As kids, we receive so many messages from the adults in our lives. Our kid-brains try to interpret those messages into something that makes sense. For little Nines, they get this message: “My voice doesn’t matter.” Little Nines come to believe their role is to take a backseat to the wishes and desires of everyone else in their family.
Nines become masters at fading into the background and supporting everybody else. It’s easier that way. Why risk asserting myself and getting rejected, or facing tension with somebody I care about? They go with the flow, and for that reason, Nines are seen as accommodating and easygoing.
Into adulthood, these qualities help Nines stay on peoples’ good sides and navigate challenges with tact and understanding. A superpower of Enneagram Nines is their ability to see all sides of a situation. They can put themselves in anyone's shoes and understand each perspective. And if they agree with one perspective over another, they typically won’t share it.
But that’s one hard thing for Nines - they do struggle to form their own opinions, because they have lived so long believing their own voice doesn’t matter as much as others.’ The growth work for Nines is to discover their own voice and assert themselves and their gifts.
My Nine friends are the best listeners because they don’t judge me; they can understand where I’m at in most situations. One of my best friends is a Nine and I really truly feel that I can tell her anything - she is a safe presence.
Because Nines want to keep things peaceful, when they do disagree, it can leak out as stubbornness or passive-aggressiveness. For example, a friend asks a Nine if she wants to come to a game night next weekend. The Nine knows immediately in her head she doesn’t want to go. She says to her friend, “Sure, I think I can make it,” but has no intention of showing up. This preserves a peaceful environment, but the Nine is not going to do what they don’t want to.
There is a dichotomy here with Enneagram Nines. When they do have opinions and desires, they can be quite stubborn. Like Eights, Nines resent being controlled. Unlike Eights, they resist being controlled in subtle ways and prefer to avoid a direct confrontation.
I think it’s important to recognize the gifts our Nines bring to the world and call them out. We can encourage Nines to assert themselves more and step outside of their comfort zones to speak out.
Like Eights and Ones, Nines are extremely justice-oriented. The irony is, although Nines internalize the belief that their voices don’t matter, they care deeply about others’ voices being heard. They want the marginalized to be respected and heard. They believe in consensus in decision-making and hate the injustice of one person or group asserting power over others by force. When Nines find their voice and assert themselves, they are some of the strongest defenders for the weak and powerless in society.
So how can you love the Enneagram Nine in your life? 💚
Ask what they think about a subject and give them time to formulate their thoughts.
Appreciate them for being a good listener.
Call out their great ideas and encourage their unique voice.
Don’t put them on the spot to make a quick decision or give a speech. Scary!
